#3: Light on action, heavy on moral message.
Peter Parker has bad luck with mentors. Uncle Ben got smoked. Dr. Octavius went mad. His boss at the Daily Bugle is a dick. Peter's only positive influence is Aunt May. When he gets the least bit confused about something (which happens a lot), he runs to her and she offers up some shiny pearl of ancient wisdom. She is NOT fuckin' Yoda. We can't keep going to her for resolutions. Yawn. Without the kickass fight scenes, "Spidey 3" is a cross between a kiddy film & a chick flick.
#2: Mary Jane is no longer HOT.
Kirstin Dunst has shed much weight, and with it, her curvacious bod. Now she looks like a rosey-cheeked J.A.F.S.A. (which stands for "Just Another Fuckin' Skinny Actress"). The costume design didn't help, turning the Mary Jane character into a more slender & frumpy damsel in distress. Let's rent the Spidey movie with the wet t-shirt kiss, or "ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND", where a more shapely Ms. Dunst jumps up and down on a bed in her skivies. Nuff'said.
#1: Peter Parker's a Pussy.
The movie tried to jerk tears outta you in the cheesiest way possible. Between girlfriend drama, an inner emotional struggle and flashbacks of his Uncle's death, our
friendly neighborhood wuss cried more than Lindsey Lohan's A.A. counselor. I got the feeling that the New York audience in attendance got tired of watching that lonely tear roll down Peter Parker's cheek. So much so, that the last 5 minutes of the film gave way to a sold-out Brooklyn crowd
chanting to an on-screen Tobey Maguire;
"PLEASE DON'T' CRY...PLEASE DON'T CRY...".This is one of the many reasons I'm more of a
Bruce Wayne kinda person. You'll never see Bloomberg giving
his crazy ass the key to New York. Fuck that. I spent the rest of
'Spidey Week' in Gotham City.
THE FINAL CUT-
"SPIDER MAN 3"
GRADE: B-
TICKET WORTH: $8.00
HOW 2 VIEW : Pay-Per-View/Online Rental
I'D RATHER BE:
 | Listening to :
Batman
Soundtrack inspired by the motion picture
Music by Prince
Release date: By 15 June, 1989 |
